I’m not sure that I’d call it “Karma,” and I am not firmly convinced that such a thing does exist, but I do try to live my life by the Golden Rule. Before I get very far into this blog, let me just say that I’m not ready to type out 10 pages describing my last 10 days right now. I’ll make this into two different blogs, but I suppose I should let everyone know that I am fine. I ended up on my head in Lee Paul Jennings’s American Revolution nostalgia Funny Car Friday night in Sacramento, but that’s a story for the next blog (and I think it may have something to do with Karma).

Allow me to catch you up on my happenings from the time I headed to Atlanta until last Thursday: I flew into the capitol of Georgia (that’s the beginning of this “Karma” thing) early Wednesday morning (as in waking up at 3:30 a.m. after hitting the bed at 1:30!). I was a bit on the tired, cranky, and sore side after trying to sleep on the airplane. How come when I was 10 it was SO easy to sleep in those seats and now they just hurt my neck? Sometimes it’s cool to meet people on the flight, and this trip my new bestest buddy was Rodney. Rodney had the aisle seat, and I was stuck in the middle. Call it Karma. Rodney was (and still is) 320 pounds and 6’4”. Rodney was wider than the seat he was in. Rodney and I cuddled for the better part of 2,300 miles, and I think we’re legally married now! He was visiting his girlfriend in L.A. and was a very friendly guy. People seem fascinated when I tell them what I get to do for a living, and I think we’ve got several more television viewers based on my sharing my “space” with my flight pals.

I landed in Atlanta at 1:30 in the afternoon, headed over to the hotel, and caught an hour nap. Okay, I did hit up Church’s Fried Chicken and detoured by Wal-Mart to pick up some supplies before naptime. I had a meeting with the MTS management team Wednesday evening in the hotel ballroom. They were all in town for a training session, so I got to address the group and bring them up to speed on the race team’s activities, especially the Mail from Home program success. Then I went to sleep. Okay, I caught a movie at the local theatre. I rarely get to go anymore, so if I have extra time on the road I’ll settle in with my $5 Coke and $7 popcorn to enjoy my $9 movie. I think of it as buying $21 worth of Karma, which I think is equal to 3 gross now. Or 7 Kelvin, which as you know is basically 12.4 International Units, 9.13 SEER, or 24 Gauge for those of you who fancy terminology relating to shotguns. Please don’t confuse any of these numbers with the Torino Impact Hazard Scale, which has nothing to do with popcorn at all. Then I went to sleep.

Thursday I had to meet Rodger at the local MTS terminal for our open house, which featured the MTS show car (not to be confused with my rental car, which was much slower but got way better mileage. In fact, I think I averaged about 32.4 mpg, which is about a seven on the Mercalli Magnitude Scale — 24 Candela or 73 Mole to you science geeks). Anyway, here’s where my Karma went straight into the crapper (so named for Thomas Crapper, who erroneously was given credit for inventing the flush toilet, hence the term, “that’s a bunch (cr&*$). I had an hour and a half to kill, and I was “Jonesing” for some pancakes. I don’t think that I am addicted to pancakes, but I sure do love the buttermilk variety at IHOP. So, I plugged that restaurant into my Magellan GPS (that’s a lot of acronyms in one paragraph), and arrived ASAP (Get it? See how I added one more acronym? Very clever).

That’s when the trouble started. I began to have thoughts about cheating on Jenna. I still had an hour to kill, and it would be so easy to just do it and not say anything to her. Nobody really had to know, so why not? But it just wouldn’t be the same without her, and I might not even enjoy it without her there, so perhaps I should just wait? Nah, why not just take advantage while it’s so accessible! So I did my thing for the next 45 minutes, and took some pictures to share with all of you.

I have no idea where your mind was, but I’m talking about visiting the state capitol, something Jenna and I have been doing together for a few years. What were you thinking? I was so close to downtown that I decided to jet (that term obviously comes from the airplane engine) over and take a quick peek at what Georgia had to offer. By the time I circled the block twice looking for parking, found a metered spot 5 blocks away, and made the hike, I had about 12 minutes to run around as fast as I could and snap photos. I didn’t get a chance to enjoy it too much, what with me “cheating” and all, but I did notice that the paint on the ceiling of the dome was peeling pretty badly. I think the same guy that painted the exterior of my house must have done this, as the prep work obviously was lacking. I tell you, if they gave me a couple of days time, along with some brushes and rollers, I think I could do wonders with the inside of that place!

After my run (literally) through the capitol, I jogged back to the car. I was planning how I would break the news of my illicit visit to my lovely wife once I returned home, but for now I had to get over to the MTS open house. Designed to thank existing customers and show potential new partners the advantages of using MTS over their current shippers, it’s sometimes a bit awkward being the only race car driver in uniform (which will never be confused for camouflage) in the building. It’s cool when motorsports enthusiasts come in, and I usually will give them a tour of the car. This time we had several in attendance and a couple who watch us regularly. We actually let four of them crawl into the car (not all at once), and then we lowered the body down over them. I think I heard one whimpering like a little kid, and I’m pretty sure the seat wasn’t wet before we let them in there.

Friday morning I was up bright and early to do the Army YES program, and this time I shared the stage with Steve Johnson. Steve and I go way back, both attending the street races in Southern California back in the ’80s. He’s truly a self-made man and has worked tirelessly to secure sponsorships, build crews and bikes, and become the competitive racer and representative that he is today. He also must be hooked up intravenously to a caffeine dispenser and being next to him is like power-chugging 2 cans of Full Throttle. We had fun with our three rotations of students.

Qualifying was interesting. We did some changes to the fuel system to try to step the car up at the hit of the throttle, and the results were kind of promising. The 60’ looked great, but the reaction times sucked. Normally you’d just write that off to a driver who just cheated on his wife and is riddled with guilt but not so fast! I’m highly suspicious when I see inordinately quick 60’ times and poor reactions across the board on the qualifying sheets, and that’s just what we had in Atlanta. This tells me the rollout probably is slightly longer (more) than most tracks, and we see this about 6-8 times a year. Though NHRA and Jeff Foster do a good job trying to keep this uniform at all 22 venues, I’m not sure if it’s possible to make it consistent for all classes (it’s checked with a dragster-style front wheel and tire, but that only blocks the beam in one location, similar to a motorcycle. All other vehicles have two front tires, which makes it much tougher to adjust the rollout exactly the same at each track). Anyway, my typical light from shallow is between .095 and .115, and I was in the .130 range here, as were most of the other drivers. Race day all bets are off, as nearly every Funny Car driver (and some of the dragsters as well, though they are slightly quicker in reaction due to lighter weight and a more aggressive launch) rolls in a few inches to keep our fragile egos intact (it makes the reaction time LOOK better, though it robs the e.t. by basically the same amount as it helps the reaction time). Anyway, by run four it was clear that our tune-up, while showing potential, wasn’t responding to the changes the way we expected. We still ended up 7th, which isn’t bad, but we really need to work on being a top 5 qualifier at most races.

During qualifying a young fan came over with a cool Pinewood Derby car. If any of you guys were in the Scouts growing up, you know how cool it was to take your dad’s hacksaw (and other tools, if they weren’t locked up) to that virgin chunk of pine and try to transform it into something that looked like a racecar. I really thought it was awesome what this young man did, so I ran and grabbed my camera to snap a shot. Hell, I hadn’t done anything positive for my karma since my Capitol “A” adventure (okay, that’s a REAL stretch for even you literary types, but I was trying to make a funny, veiled reference to The Scarlet Letter), so I thought a nice picture would help.

Saturday night I was invited to dinner by Roger Burgess, of R2B2 Racing. Roger owns ProCare Rx and is still looking to secure sponsorship to get Melanie Troxel out racing again. Melanie and Tommy were also there, as were Rodger and Karen Comstock, Barb Burgess, Al and Donna Billes, and “Dr. Don.” We ate at a golf course country club… very upscale. I kind of wish I hadn’t worn my cutoff jean shorts and wife-beater tank top, but that’s all I had for clean clothes (I’m joking… I had on sweat pants and a hoodie — still kidding). It really was a lot of fun, though I think the red wine played a role in that, but we all had a great time, and I thank Roger and Barb for their hospitality.

Sunday was odd, kind of reminding me of Seattle in 2007 (which also worked out very well for me). When I woke up and looked out the hotel room, the overwhelming chance of rain had come to fruition, and I really just wanted to go back to bed for a couple of hours, though I think the red wine played a role in that (that sentence must’ve accidentally been repeated from the preceding paragraph). I decided it would be prudent to go ahead and drive out to the track.

Have you ever woke in a panic, swearing you were late for work and that the alarm clock must have malfunctioned, only to realize about 30 seconds later that it’s Saturday and all is okay? Well, that feeling that was with you for that period of time came to me as I approached the track. KNOWING that I would be in entry traffic for at least half an hour, I had left plenty early, only to encounter ABSOLUTE ZERO (which is -459 degrees Fahrenheit) for traffic. For a brief moment I thought my watch had malfunctioned, my calendar was lying to me, or I had been transported by aliens to a parallel universe with no traffic. It was weird, and it was the only time I have driven straight into a track with no delays whatsoever (just who came up with the brilliant idea of stringing “what,” “so,” and “ever” together to make one single word? I’m not sure if “whenasmuch,” “whatthatmeans,” or “justthatlittle” also can be found in the dictionary).

Speaking of delays, we had plenty, and I loved every minute of it. We didn’t have the best car out there, and we ran pretty lackluster (again, someone just stuck those words together and coined another cool term) round one against Robert Hight. Following that, we put the fuel system back the way it was in Vegas and tuned off our notes. Beating Force second round by .003 was very satisfying, and getting by Wilkerson in the semi’s was outstanding. However, the odds of us beating three Force cars and four Mustangs in one day were looking pretty slim, as Ashley had everyone covered by a bunch. She was EIGHT miles an hour better than our best run! So, that big delay brought about by the rain was a welcome sight for me. Running a fuel Funny Car at night is great… if you’re a fan. Many of these tracks are just too dark to run us after dusk, and the floppers are much harder to see out of than the dragsters. I don’t know about Ashley, but it was difficult to see in the left lane. Fortunately, things worked out for us, and we got to enjoy our first winner’s circle of the year. Sort of. Due to the long weather delay, there was no podium for the four Pro champs. (Heck, there weren’t even four of us yet, as Mike Edwards had to wait until Monday to collect his trophy. A huge congratulations to Morgan Lucas and Eddie Krawiec for winning their first Pro races. I know how gratifying it is for both of them, and congrats to Mike for his first win of the year). Just about the time we were setting up to take photos, the rain came with a vengeance, so we moved everything under the tower for our mugshots (again, stick two words together and become a hero).

If you saw the ESPN2 coverage, you heard me tell my son Jason that I would be coming home with the “Waa-wee,” which is as close as he can come to pronouncing it. It’s been funny how many people picked up on that and said something to me. When I got home there were over 220 e-mails waiting for me. Throw out the 40 forwarded jokes, 35 for Viagra, 21 for “enhanced bedroom performance,” and the 18 or so from Bob Tasca trying to sell me a Ford Focus, and there were still lots of congrats sent to me. I always appreciate that and apologize if I didn’t get back to everyone. Wilky even called me to say good job, which I thought was mighty cool of him, even if he does drive a Ford.

So, what does the Funny Car champ from Atlanta get to do to celebrate the big win? A ticker-tape parade, you say? Perhaps a block party with a keg or two? A greeter and limo to meet me at the airport? Nope, just right back to painting and bathroom work (not the kind of bathroom work where I sit and read National DRAGSTER). No, this is the REALLY fun stuff, like hanging a new mirror on a 56-year-old wall that hasn’t been plumb or straight since I was born. Now that the tile is done, we’re buttoning everything up, including painting the vanity. But not JUST painting, that’s not my style. I need something that that takes far too much time and causes excess aggravation, kind of like dating (which I HAVE NOT done in the past 2 years… bad for the karma). So, I took the drawer, doors, and all hardware off to replace it with handles and hinges that didn’t have 23 coats of paint. Then I sanded everything, and I mean everything. Two coats of paint later (did I mention I spackled, sanded and painted the walls as well?) and it looks pretty nice for a budget job. The piece de resistance (my keyboard won’t let me put all those fancy French symbols over the letters), which means “outstanding accomplishment” (which fits), or “principal portion of a meal” (which would be a horrible application in this example), was the installation of the new toilet seat. I personally think that National DRAGSTER should offer one with each new membership purchased by males, but that’s just my humble opinion. Anyway, you know how women try on dresses, we all try on shoes, and most test drive potential vehicle before purchasing? I don’t think it would go over too well in Home Depot to have an area where you can sit on each potential candidate to pick the best fit, so we did the next best thing: we had Jason help us pose to see if this seat had “the right look.”

I again want to thank all of you who read this, as it sometimes is a real pain to find a couple of hours to sit and write down (let alone try to remember) my activities for the past 10-14 days, but your feedback at the races really keeps me excited to share with you. Also, many of you had written to shoeracing.com to inquire (that’s French for “bitch about”) as to when a die-cast of our car would be available. Well, the prototype of the Valvoline car is going through final approval and should be out in June, and I’m told that the Mail Terminal Services design will be ready in July. I’m not holding my breath, but I think it’s going to finally happen! Thanks again for the interest that you’ve shown, it’s very flattering and humbling. Here’s a sneak-peek at the prototype:

I would also like to congratulate the entire crew and DSR group for getting into the winner’s circle in Atlanta. The NAPA and Shelor.com crews helped us prepare after they were eliminated, and the teamwork that goes on at Schumacher Racing is very inspiring. So, for myself, Johnny West, John Collins, Chris Afflerbach, Troy Allen, Phil Austin, Joe Chrisman, Chris Kuhlberg, Brian MacDermott, and Mark Stewart, as well as the guys back in the shop who give us a great chassis, the hospitality group who keeps us fed, and the rest of the DSR staff who keep this circus going down the road, we thank you!
Next column my Karma bites back! Stay tuned.

Jack

PS- Congrats to Mr. and Mrs. Jason Russell Jorgenson. My cousin, Jason, and Stephanie were married on the 18th out on Catalina Island. I wish I could have attended, but I had to go get Jason his “Waa-Wee,” so here’s a shot that Jenna took.