Next up was the hayride. I doubt Jason got very excited about the prospect of sitting on hay, and being in a trailer on a dirt road may not be his idea of paradise, but oh, does that kid love tractors! We waited in line, ponied up our cash (get it?), and boarded the Titanic of straw transports. All was well for the first quarter-mile, when suddenly a tell-tail “whoosh” (with it’s accompaniment of O2 being released under high pressure. Okay, so technically it was roughly 21 percent oxygen and a whole lot of nitrogen, but let’s just get back to the story), followed in close proximity by a persistent vibration in the right front of our luxury liner, and it was no longer smooth sailing, Captain Stubing. I guess being isolated from the trailer --in the cab of the tractor-- made it tough for the driver to feel what was happening, so for a couple of hundred feet we all just enjoyed the extra bouncing and noise. Once stopped, our beloved Capt. Smith (he was the skipper on the aforementioned White Star liner, not to be confused with Merrill Stubing, who got to steer “the Love Boat” on TV and hang out with Gopher, Julie, Doc, and Isaac) radioed back to base camp, and another trailer was dispatched.

Let me tell you, being out in the middle of a harvested cornfield, stuck with 35 strangers (10 of whom were children now crying ... 11 if you count me), is the sort of thing that warps time. Fifteen minutes seemed like three hours (ironically the duration of the “tour” in Gilligan’s Island, but that’s a totally different boat story), but we finally transferred over to the Andrea Dorea (this stuff is really funny if you’re into nautical trivia … unless you were on board that ship when it sunk) and were back on the (dirt) road. So, I’m good with the whole hayride thing until Jason is old enough to vote.

Once we got back to the festivities, we let Jason explore. There was lots of horse poop, which probably meant that there were horses nearby. We also saw goat, rabbit, chicken, turtle and alligator poop, which we traced back to the actual animals. Jason had a great time hanging out in the pen with the chickens, goats, and rabbits, though he still is a bit reluctant around animals. If you’re wondering why I mentioned an alligator, here’s why: they had a small one in the pen with the turtles, and they did take the precaution of taping his mouth shut (Quiet, Wilkerson!) so he couldn’t bite, but this critter wanted out in a bad way. When I say “small”, he still had to be 3 feet long, and when I say “pen,” someone there needed to go to remedial bungee-cord application class. The walls of this pen were clearly not fastened together very well, and on the third try Mr. Reptile was able to scale the turtle’s back, wedge his nose between the corners of his pen, and wriggle his way out. I really had to think twice before I grabbed his tail and held him before the keeper could pick him back up, and I’m glad that the electrical tape around his snout was sufficient. I’m also glad Jason decided to hang out with the more furry animals.

We had parked our motorhome out at the Shriner’s Club (my grandfather helped found this chapter, and my Uncle Ted is still an active member), so lots of the family came out in the evening for food, a campfire, and some marshmallows (though I still think it should be spelled “marshmellow”). Jason was new to most of this, but he sure took a quick liking to those puffy, fire-toasted treats. I was still having flashbacks about the alligator, looking over my shoulder whenever I heard any strange noises.

Before we got on the road, we did a photo shoot for the local paper. There is a group of racers doing a great job of petitioning the area for a dragstrip at the Cumberland Fairgrounds. They’ve really done their homework, including geographic, noise, and fiscal impact studies for the area. We headed out to the area with the cars of Larry Judd (’67 Nova) and Travis Rice (Ford Galaxy). The Ford actually now belongs to Bill Wilson, my friend and hero who founded Metro Ministries in Brooklyn. I hadn’t been to the fairgrounds for more than 30 years, when as a kid I had seen several stock car races and car shows there. I would love to be able to see a bona fide drag race there in the near future.

We still had a couple of days before we needed to be in Richmond, and we wanted to do more sightseeing, so we thought that we would head over to Laurel, Md. (close to Washington, D.C.) to spend time at my cousin’s house. Ed and Kathy Beckman have three daughters (Heather, Jessica, and Mary Betty) and LOTS of grandkids. Ed and I are first cousins, he being the #7 grandchild and me being the youngest (13^th). However, my dad is the youngest child by 10 years, so I’m nearly a generation behind. Ed is our official tour guide when in the D.C. area, as he spent a good portion of his career working there and knows all the good stuff to see. I’m getting ahead of myself a bit, as we had one stop before getting to Eastern Maryland….

The Antietam Battlefield was one of the most important of the Civil War (How the hell could war be civil?), and the most devastating one-day loss in American history. Nearly 100,000 soldiers fought on Sept. 17, 1862 in a battle that lasted for 12 hours. In the end, about 23,000 men were missing, wounded, or dead. Take a moment to put that into perspective: You could fill every seat at Chicago’s Route 66 dragstrip and still not quite reach that number!!!! We drove the RV around the entire battleground (they have an auto tour), which is more expansive than I thought. I’d estimate that the various skirmishes filled an area about two miles long by a mile wide, quite large considering the mode of transportation and the type of weaponry of the day. It’s fascinating to read the many plaques that give details of each skirmish and the units that were involved. How do you suppose the details of battle were accounted for, considering all of the chaos? It makes one wonder how accurate the post-battlefield reporting really was.

Years after the war various monuments were installed in the areas where different states and units fought. These monuments were paid for mostly by fundraising efforts, and nearly all of them are from northern states. The south had been so decimated (did you know the literal meaning of that word would be destroying “one in 10”?) and bankrupted by the end of the war that there was no money to be raised to commemorate many of their heroics. The things we can learn at our national parks! Anyway, besides the descriptive plaques and memorial statues and monuments, there are six markers that feature a cannon barrel buried, muzzle down, in a stone piling. These signify where a general was killed or mortally wounded, and there were three on each side. It’s fascinating to study this from a historical standpoint, and it can easily lose its human value as you analyze aspects of each battle. There isn’t any “live” photography from that war (shutter speeds were so slow back in the early days of photography that action photos would have been impossible. When you see old time photos, that’s the reason almost no one ever is smiling … it was tough to keep from flinching long enough for a clear image), and all of the images are black and white, making it tough to visualize what it really was like.

One area of the battlefield is called “the sunken road” for obvious reasons, and many soldiers on each side died right there. It gives you a kind of eerie feeling standing on the same ground. Years later the War Department built this observation tower --overlooking the sunken road and much of the battlefield -- to help future soldiers study the scene and develop battlefield strategies. Just so no one gets the wrong impression, none of the paved roads, parking lots, or motorhomes were around back in that day. There are many cannons placed around the grounds to signify artillery placement for perspective. Though the wheels and frame are reproductions, all of the barrels are authentic civil war iron. We even had Jason try one on for size and verify the serial number (please don’t tell anyone at the park). As you can tell from the dark background, it was getting late when we left. You literally could spend the entire day at Antietam and not see everything. Another interesting fact about the Civil War is the discrepancies with the names of individual battles. Seems the South would name the battle after the closest town (this particular site is known as the battle of Sharpsburg to southerners), and the North name came from the geography or landmark nearest the fighting (Antietam Creek gives us this name). Another example of this would be the battle of Manassas (if you’re from the south), versus “Bull Run” for the north. Confusing? I still struggle with the fact that Virginia is considered the south.

We stopped at the Antietam National Cemetery before we left, and it too was a surreal experience. Since nearly all of the battlefield dead were buried where they fell, it was difficult to identify everyone once the bodies were relocated to the cemetery years later. Nearly 1/3 of the graves are of unidentified soldiers, marked with short headstones. All of the 4,776 are Union dead, as no Confederates were allowed to be interred there. They were buried in nearby Hagerstown and Frederick. Strange, as all three towns are located in Maryland … but there was much confusing about those times.

Now we can talk about our tour with Cousin Ed around D.C. We first went to the Air Force Memorial, which doesn’t look all that impressive until you get up close. It features three 200-foot spires that replicate contrails from aircraft (you can see their reflection in the photo of the wall), statues of airmen, and marble walls with inscription. Listed on the walls are the names of all airmen who were awarded the Medal of Honor (first recipient: Eddie Rickenbacker, who also was ... a racecar driver!), important dates in the history of the USAF, and other interesting facts and quotes

Next up was the Pentagon Memorial, which just opened on the seventh anniversary of the Sept. 11 terrorist attack. There are 184 “benches” (they look a bit like a diving board), one for each murdered person, arranged in rows based on the year that they were born. All of the benches that face the Pentagon represent those who perished on the airplane, and workers who died inside the building have their bench pointing away from the Pentagon. Chilling to read the list of names, especially the groups of family members that died together on the plane. Let’s hope there is no more need for these types of memorials.

We spent the rest of the day at George’s house. You know, the guy with the wooden dentures. I hate to burst your bubble, but it turns out that of the eight plus sets of false teeth General Washington wore in his lifetime, none were made of wood. They did feature some horrendous looking contraptions that were poured from lead, so how do you think wearing a chunk of hazardous metal around all day in his mouth affected his health?

Mt. Vernon was the home of our first President for a good portion of his life, and it’s definitely worth the visit. The original house was built in the 1730s, I believe, by George’s family. It was twice expanded, greatly changing its looks and character. The original part of the house is the center, up to the top of the windows. The roof was expanded, the “archway” was added, and the sides were extended to give George a stately crib. If you look closely there are some asymmetrical issues with the front of the house. Washington died there in 1799 (which had nothing to do with the fact that his windows weren’t aligned perfectly), and Martha never again stayed in their bedroom after that. The estate was fairly self-sufficient, raising much of the food they ate, spinning wool for clothing from their sheep, and preparing much of their daily demands in-house. When Washington died Mt. Vernon had more than 300 slaves on the grounds! Though it was Washington’s wish in his will that all be set free, it took another 60-plus years for Lincoln to make it a Constitutional Amendment. Ironically (for this blog, anyway), it was three days after the battle of Antietam that Lincoln issued the preliminary Emancipation Proclamation. All of this on a funny car driver’s blog!

There is a very educational museum on the grounds, and it covers all of Washington’s endeavors. From his Revolutionary War adventures to being sworn in as the first president of the United States of America, it covers it all. In this picture I am swearing … swearing that my fingers are getting tired writing this blog!

Next up … Richmond: More battles, on and off the racetrack. Stay tuned.

I now do hereby solemnly swear that this blog is DONE, by George! (Or by Jack)